A Spacious Place

Right now, as I type, this little lump of dough is rising in a warm place. In a rare break with Sunday morning convention, I too am tucked into a soft, warm place, with my slippers on and enjoying a hush. My ribcage rises gently with air again. It has been a while.

Many of us have landed at the half term break absolutely shattered, feeling like a lump of dough kneaded and pummelled and stretched to oblivion - who's with me here?! Transmitting, creating, making, doing, studying, babysitting, encouraging, lecturing, organising, cycling and keeping on top of finances. Enough.

Just for today, how about finding a spacious place; space to breathe in and out, be still, feed, and grow?


{Today's Soundtrack: ... hush now.}

The Aspiring

I'm going to make myself vulnerable here and share with the group. Today I am sending a manuscript off to a literary agent, so begin a significant journey which may or may not take me where I want to go! Furthermore, I have started telling you a story before I know the ending – this is lunacy!

With the bare minimum research into the book scene, the picture that builds quickly is one of agents and publishers sitting amongst scale models of New York City which are made of unread manuscripts. Faced with the daunting task of sifting through overwhelming numbers of submissions, I wonder if the skills required to select words for publishing might be the same as looking at folio after folio of photographs, and in a glance apply an intuitive, fairly quick sense whether something has legs or not. Will a few printed words on an A4 sheet have enough draw in them to make people want to turn pages? 

All this in mind, advice for The Aspiring is wide ranging. It spans from calm encouragement that if you are any good you will get picked up within 12 query letters, through to striving madness involving a takeover of Royal Mail for the amount of post you can expect to be sending. I prefer calm encouragement to cynical panic, and am prepared to take the hint if, after a few submissions, nothing has happened. I'm interested to discover what happens when a regular person gets ideas in their head that won't leave them alone, sits on an allotment writing it all down, and then braves the scary move of putting it out there to see what happens.

Something about that seed talk yesterday. Okay then, off to the Post Office with my manilla envelope I go, to plant a little dream. 

{Today's Soundtrack: Rue Royale - Lunacy}

Seed Love

 

A few years ago, I became slightly obsessed with growing things from seed. I have not lost the obsession, but having moved house I have lost the wide, sunny windowsills on which to line up little cardboard pots and germinate. 

Growing delicate stuff outside is hard when you have a good old soggy west country winter to contend with, so although I have an outside space I am watching quite dead-looking containers at the moment, wondering if they will feel like waking up any time soon. And without those windowsills, I have nothing indoors to watch either. 

This is a problem! There's nothing like watching a fresh green shoot poking up at last out of black compost, just when you thought nothing was ever, ever going to happen, when you had almost forgotten that you planted anything at all. Those seeds are so tiny, like little weeny poppy seeds – how on earth could so much life come out of those? But it does.

In the absence of actual seeds I've dug up these shots from that busy seed year, and have explored giving them a new guise. The flavour of these harks towards other photographic projects I'm continuing to work on, so maybe that's where the seeds are growing this year instead.

Out of blackened, ashen earth, burned and razed to the ground, beauty comes. I'm sure someone wrote lyrically about that a while ago. Now who was that?

{Today's Soundtrack: Fanfarlo}

The Arimathean's Heart

I love you, a little bit more today than yesterday.




*
In the interests of honouring 'hearts on floor' phenomena you can read about this heart in the Nov '09 archive - three posts but read them in order (ie. backwards). And don't get cross about my terrible French. And it's a bit heavy, so maybe save it for another day. But it is a good story.


{Today's Soundtrack: stet}

I Made This For You

You are my world – blessed, meek.

Fragile hands stitch a heart
For you.

Because you are unlike the rest,
I made this one for you.

*


{Today's Soundtrack: James Blake - A Case Of You (Joni Mitchell) }

Love In

You know something? Actually, a few things?

1. Love is. Just the very fact you have picked up that pencil today means there is love in your veins.

2. You are on track. Keep going. Here and now, everything you carry has tremendous value. Believe it, and be thankful.

3. You can be strong, and brave. If there is something you have been dreading doing, just stand up, take a deep breath and do it. (I've been putting off a certain phonecall for a whole month, believing the answer would be 'no'. When I made myself dial the numbers this morning, the answer turned out to be 'yes'.)

4. There are plans out there to prosper you and not to harm you. Being available to God-knows-what so that God-knows-what has a chance to happen is what you were made for, and yes, it will be beyond your wildest imagining – that's the point! Don't be scared of letting go so long as you have all your tools and resources ready to go. (And for the record, I do believe God actually does know 'what'.)

5. You are beautiful. No, really, and I know you might not believe me but objectively, it is a fact. If you don't get that then I pray you'll get a glimpse how and why over the coming days.

6. Your being deep down beautiful means that unjust things of this life will not have the final word. You have to believe that too, even if you don't get it in your head.

Come on, treasures, you can do it. You are beautiful, you have love in your veins and there are some amazing things waiting to happen if you can hang in. Love is in every day and I for one am not going to sit around doing nothing on that.

That's all I have to say for today.


{Today's Soundtrack: The Bees - Every Step's A Yes}

Sweet Disposition

Tell me the truth about love.

Surprised by myself that this year, unlike others, the approach of St. Valentine's Day comes with a gloom about it. Usually it passes fairly unnoticed, as it is after all a commercial invention and — as my newly married friend puts it — a false idea about romance as if to make an excuse for not being loving every other day of the year. He says, "Everyday should be Valentine's Day," and follows up with the fingers down throat sign language.

On one hand we all know St. Valentine's Day is a manufactured twist about love in order to push material ideals, and that actually it creates a gulf between men and women. Women come to hold increasingly high standards for this supposed evidence of love, where men feel pressured into making a performance out of this evidence. It is a tricky escalation in opposing directions. We would like to stop this.

On the other hand, for those of us who may have not been in a relationship for quite a while, this day comes along as a little barb, and it snags. Ouch. My gloom this year is about that, simply. If your being solo has been the case for some time, if you live on your own, that day can be a milestone that reminds you quite how long you have been doing things without a team mate. If you're feeling a bit frazzled, I'm with you.

And then I remember my friend with his nauseating comment and wonder why is it that I appear to be waiting until 14th February to find evidence of love? It is in every day. If someone makes me a cup of tea, this is the love in every day. If someone gives a few kind words, this is love. Really, it is that humble.

"Lighten up," I tell myself, "and stop giving love such a bad name." (No, Bon Jovi will not be today's soundtrack.)

'Oh tell me the truth about love.' 


Thanks W.H.Auden. A few years younger than me when he wrote his questioning words in a confusion about how on earth to define love, but never once did he refer to a heart-shaped chocolate box. Prickling hedge or soft pyjamas, every day is Valentine's day.

A sweet disposition will see it, a hard heart will not. 

{Today's Soundtrack: Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition}

Pulling Focus

"I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air."

1 Corinthians 9:26

•

Whether or not you know where you see yourself in five years time (a question that seems to have cropped up a few times this week), it is still possible to be focused in your life. Do you find that the people who ask that question are very tidy people? Yes, me too, and good for them. It must be lovely to be so well arranged and have plans that are immune to sidewinds. (Interesting, there is a vicious wind out there today.)  Does your lack of answer for the 'five year plan' question cause you to feel inadequate or unusual for not hitting immovable specifics? Don't feel that.

Can we attempt a reframe? Perhaps more important is to be able to define your values. It's about naming the things that you pursue whatever the circumstance.

Maybe it would be more helpful to ask this:

What is it you are fighting for?

If you can figure that one out, you have all the battle plan you need to start pulling focus.


{Today's Soundtrack: Laura Marling - I Speak Because I Can}

Creating Conversation

There is a restaurant in Pittsburgh, which is trying out something radical in order to create conversation, according to a report on BBC Radio 4's Today programme this morning. This restaurant serves just one dish from a specific country for one month, then changes to another dish from a different country for another month. Each dish is wrapped in paper printed with facts and quotes about that country, for example, Afghanistan, or Venezuela. The people serving the food know about these facts, so when a customer reads and comments on them, they are able to engage in a meaningful conversation about that country, its culture and its politics. The idea is to spark chat and discover truth about the difference, rather than make ill-informed assumption about our neighbours in the world.

Do we not do that already over food? Apparently not, according to the critics of this project who claim that our cultural dietary requirements actually drive us apart. This is sad, isn't it? That they have no desire to get beyond the outskirts and pursue common ground. The woman cited as a critic in the report described cooking for her Muslim friends, her Jewish friends, claiming it impossible to cook for all of them together because they make it difficult for her by having their parameters. (And she calls these people 'friends'?) What she actually says is that our free will makes her notion of community complicated. She is advocating that we all do things in the same way she does, according to her choices, in order that we can break bread (leavened or otherwise) together.

Yes, community is complicated, but we are richer for that. Wouldn't the world be dull if everyone agreed with you? What kind of monster would I be if everyone did life the way I said they should? Would not my narrow experience stifle you all and bore you to tears in seconds? Difference makes the world go round, and yes sometimes it's tough to find the meeting point but that doesn't mean we don't even try in the first place.

Good work Pittsburgh!

Go on little angels, go out today and create conversation.


*
Tunes today are a compilation of the Soundtrack discoveries I've shared over the last couple of months. You lucky people.

{Today's Soundtrack: Today's Soundtrack 2:11}

ROAR!

Animals, the lot of us. All this hypothesising about mature and dignified ways to communicate and be nice to each other, actually sometimes don't you just want to growl? Loudly?


This one particular little person and I have been roaring at each other for a few years now. It started when I realised at about 8 months she was quite good at primal scream therapy. I'm not sure her parents were glad I discovered this, but it does nothing other than make us smile, a lot, especially when we are in a densely populated place. She always starts it and I can take no responsibility for encouraging her in this free expression. You do understand. But rather than this being angry or fierce, it has come to be a signal like the way lions grumble across the bush, just to check in with each other. In fact, our roaring has become a good sign that we are on the same page. A resounding 'hello you!'

Lots of reasons why we growl at each other, some bad, but some definitely good.

raaaaaagh!

•


If this track isn't used in a slice of beautiful elevating cinema this summer, then I shall eat my various garments and question everything.


{Today's Soundtrack: Phoenix Foundation - Buffalo}

What's Your Impression?

What kind of impression do you make on people? And if someone makes an impression on you, good or bad, do you pass that on?

The other day I had an essay returned in the course of my post-grad studies, and had been given a truly terrible grade. It was so bad I almost believed it was a joke. After exclaiming a few things other than 'Excellent!', I questioned my tutor's rationale for—as I saw it—leading me down a specific track and then marking me down for following that very advice. It seemed as though I had been double-crossed! She left the room, and left me feeling small, stupid and judged. So how did I behave? Small, stupid, and judging. I proceeded to allow things to come out of my potty mouth that would make Jesus frown.

Maybe she was wrong, or maybe I found the topic too boring to stick to the point. Either way, my crushing sense of injustice channelled into a verbal tirade was aimed at others so they would feel what I felt, and take it on for me. Down the chain it went – impression on impression.

Thankfully, people around me are big-hearted, so they stroked my arm and offered me chocolate, and the sting eased. The next day, now as tutor myself marking degree level coursework, I realise I am not small, stupid or thick, but I still feel sad about this whole episode. 

A person making you feel things by behaving badly towards you probably feels those things themself, and the only way things will change is if you love them back.

Impression on impression?

{Today's Soundtrack: singing.}

Cairns : ii

What's this about stones then? Whether you are into bible stories or not, this one is a neat illustration of how to handle deviations in an otherwise darned fine plan.

There's an ancient story about Joshua leading the Israelites across the Jordan into the promised land. God stacked up the water in a heap so they could all cross to the other side by simply walking right across the riverbed; the twelve huge tribes and all their cattle, trudging over, impossibly on dry ground. God asked that each tribe pick up a stone from the dry riverbed, carry it to the other side, and build a memorial for future generations to remember what had happened once that riverbed was underwater again.

When Joshua received his instruction about being a leader of these tribes to take them into their land, there was nothing in there about getting all the people across a deep, fast-flowing river. That part was a surprise. This was the unexpected twist of a significant nature, in which Joshua was to be brave, remain 'aware', and expect intervention in order for the vision to realise. It was not all about him, but he was the one to maintain a strong grip on the vision for the people while they were all kicking off in the face of a confusing obstacle threatening to derail the plan. That was how God used Joshua to birth a powerful, character-building encounter for thousands of tribespeople. When Joshua hit that riverbank with the tribes on his back, I cannot imagine it was an easy conversation. But he persevered and held his nerve, letting happen what needed to happen from beyond him, and a memorial of stones testifies for the rest of time.

Whether Joshua and Jordan, or our own small rivers which interrupt the plan for a couple of hours, the sensation is the same – the vision meets an obstacle. Being strong here is about firmly clinging to the vision even when significant, real challenges crop up, accepting that things will happen in anyone's plan that could not be foreseen or manipulated. It also suggests that those things are a necessary part of the journey, opportunities to prize our fingers off and let intervention play its part from beyond us, and that we might learn something about our character along the way.

Stones represent things that make no sense and appear to be impossible obstacles, but those things have been overcome, and the overcoming builds essential character on the way towards realising a vision. Hold that nerve. Build that pile of stones, and always remember what it took.

'Only be strong and courageous.'


{Today's Soundtrack: Doves - Some Cities}